BOOGER SOUP AND CHEEZE

By Tim Colin
I have to tell you about a really unique restaurant located in Northern Michigan. This restaurant is known as the Booger Soup and Cheese Shop. It is owned by Eric Guenterhoffen III. Mr. Guenterhoffen is famous for his viking family oriented clothing stores located throughout the viking world. Now, Mr. Guenterhoffen is offering in his new restaurants his own families recipe for booger cheese soup. Booger cheese soup is of course the dish most commonly served in the nation of Swissboogerstan.

In Swissboogerstan, food products are chiefly derived from cattle. Of course, Mr. Guenterhoffen has given his restaurants Northern Michigan flair by insisting that all protein products used in his restaurants are from recycled animals found chiefly along local roadsides. Mr. Guenterhoffen insists that the main ingredient in his soup, boogers, tastes very much the same whether you use cow boogers or the boogers from deceased deer. Mr. Guenterhoofen says that deceased deer actually have slightly sweeter boogers than the boogers of their bovine counterparts. He also says that the snot used for the soup base is identical in tastes however; bovine snot tends to be a bit sudsier than the snot of our local white tail deer. The milk taken from dead deer carcasses tends to give the cheese a bit of a gamey flavor. This harkens back to the days when reindeer milk was the chief food element used by the natives of Swissboogerstan.

Now if booger soup is not your cup of tea, then perhaps you might just buy some Dead Deer Cheese TM. Dead Deer Cheese is a favorite in Northern Michigan during the winter time. A glass of red wine and some melting Dead Deer Cheese in the fondue maker makes for a romantic evening after a long day of skiing or snowmobiling.

WHAT ROAD KILL DINING MEANS TO MICHIGAN

Most people do not realize how important road kill dining is in Michigan.  Michigan is a very poor state with unemployment near quadruple digits in the best of times.  You see we are primarily a tourist state and tourist only come here in the summer time for a couple of months.  The rest of the year we depend on handouts from our fellow creatures like the animals that are so dumb they stare at cars and trucks coming straight at them instead of running away.  These denizens of charity are what we in Michigan call road kill.

Now getting some road kill to eat is not a really easy thing to do.  You see you have to compete with other creatures for your meals like mountain lions, bears, wolverines and also the most dangerous competitors of all,  your relatives.  Now the trick to getting food away from other creatures and your relatives at the same time is to get your relatives to be first to approach a vicious animal who is feeding on road kill.  Hopefully the vicious animal will attack your relative and hence, while the vicious creature is eating say grandma, you can go ahead and feast on the road kill.  Of course many Michiganders have already feasted on their elderly relatives in which case they try to trick a younger member of the family to approach say a hungry bear at a road kill site.  The only problem is that said person have enough meat on them to distract said bear long enough so that the bear does not make a quick snack of the relative and go back to eating the coveted road kill.

Now, road kill is the most delicious and nutritious food available in the state of Michigan.  What is great about Michigan is that because we have so many really horrible drivers here that road kill is a plentiful food source.  Michigan has more road kill per pound per 100 feet than all the other 49 states and 19 provinces have combined.  You see in Michigan our cars do not know the concept of 1st or 2nd gear.  We also do not have a reverse in our cars.  For the “R” on our throttles does not mean “Reverse“; it means “Race”.